Dachshunds

Do you want a dog with the confidence of a lion, the body of a smoked sausage, and the decision-making skills of an angry drunk?

The Dachshund.

Let’s talk features.

Off switch: nope
Volume control: nope
Ground clearance: nope
Spatial awareness: nope, but it’s got a tail long enough that hunters historically used it to help pull the dog out of burrows. That’s just German engineering.

Coats

They come in three coats and two sizes, and if you’re shopping purely for a rare color instead of a healthy breeder: Congratulations, you’ve confused “collectible” with “living animal” you heartless fuck.

Smooth: Short, shiny, sheds exclusively onto your black pants. This is the one you’re picturing. Least fur, most attitude. Requires a sweater in winter and resents you for providing it.
Wirehaired: The AKC literally describes this one as “clown-like.” Their words. Beard, eyebrows, and the permanent expression of a small, old, German man judging you.
Longhaired: The “calm” one. Which, for a Dachshund, means it ignores about 80% of what you say instead of the full 100%. Gorgeous coat. One puddle away from becoming an opinionated mop.

Sizes

Standard: 16–32 pounds. More dog. More bark. More back to throw out.
Miniature: 11 pounds and under. Same breed, just compressed. Same wiring. Same delusions. Half the mass, twice the confidence. Fits in a purse and still wants to fight your neighbors.

Doesn’t matter which one you get. Every Dachshund ships with the same setup: stubborn, loud, too long, and completely convinced it’s the largest predator in the neighborhood.

Facts

The breed averages about 12–16 years. Less a pet, more a long-term roommate who judges you and contributes nothing financially.

Things this dog is actually built to do:

Hunt above ground: yes.
Hunt below ground: absolutely.
Pick a fight with an animal ten times its size: yes. The breed standard literally describes Dachshunds as “courageous to the point of rashness.”

The name literally means “badger dog.” Its original job was crawling into underground tunnels to start fights with badgers. Every questionable decision your Dachshund makes today is backed by centuries of selectively breeding these little gremlins.

Fun facts

The breed standard specifically says “honorable hunting scars should not count against the dog in the show ring.” How bad-ass is that for a little wiener-shaped, purse-sized, sausage dog?
That deep, ear-piercing bark wasn’t an accident. It was bred to carry through several feet of dirt so hunters could locate the dog underground. Today it serves the same purpose against anything that moves/exists/looks at it wrong.
Official colors include names like “Wild Boar” and “Isabella,” and only the silver-haired farts at the AKC would be able to tell you this with a straight face.

This dog is about as low-maintenance as a house fire. It’s also built like a hot dog with toothpicks for legs. You don’t want this dog jumping off furniture, otherwise that sausage body is gonna snap in half, and nobody likes a broken wiener.

Let’s face it: this dog isn’t winning obedience competitions. It doesn’t care. It has spent 400 years breeding confidence into a body that barely clears the curb. It’s nine pounds, structurally questionable, fully convinced it’s a Rottweiler, and currently asleep on your chest breathing directly into your open mouth.

The Dachshund.

Coats

Sizes

Facts

Fun facts

Where to next? — Hella Gas